Craving
by peroquenotevean
Summary: April Kepner's life is spiraling out of control. Her friends have turned their back on her, her relationship with Jackson has become a series of fights, and her new job is a poisoned gift. She doesn't know things can be worse. When she started a passionate relationship with tall, dark, mysterious James Delaney, she was only looking for a way to forget, it might be a big mistake
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1  
**

It has been a terrible day. April barely can remember the last day she was happy at work, at home, with her life. And it's actually ironic, because she has just been promoted, she has a beautiful 6 months old daughter, and she is co-parenting with his ex-husband, best friend and love of her life Jackson, therefore she should be the happiest person in the world. Sadly, the promotion it's only temporal, her coworkers don't speak to her unless they have to, her relationship with Jackson has been reduced to fight after fight after fight, and April has had enough, she can't keep going on with a fake smile and a mask to hide how much she is hurting.

Sometimes she feels like she is at high school again instead of working at one of the best hospitals in Seattle. And April wasn't happy at high school. Her coworkers remind her of those days when everybody laughed at her and hardly anybody wanted to be her friend. But even on those days she has had at least one good, loyal best friend. Now, she only has a bunch of former companions that treat her like if she has a contagious disease, colleagues who have proved her worst suspicion, that they were only friendly towards her because she was Jackson's friend and wife and Jackson is their own version of the popular football team captain. Now that Jackson is treating her badly, the rest of his group feel like they can do the same and even her so called best friend Arizona turned her back on April.

She isn't happy at the hospital and she isn't happy at home. Working used to be one of her happy places, now she counts the hours remaining until her shift ends, and when it finishes she doesn't want to go back to her house. It's not her home anymore because her relationship with Jackson has reached the point of non-return. Their relationship has become a cold war and their house is the battlefield where they fight passive-aggressively with each other, although sometimes the shit hits the fan, the fights get real and they are just aggressive with each other. Today has been one of those days, and the worst thing is that April doesn't remember the what, the why and the how.

So here she is, after a terrible day at work and a worse day at home, drinking alone in some cheap, random bar. It's not her style and it's not her scene, but today she needs to break with everything, she needs to forget and she needs to yell a big fuck you to everyone

She's on her second rock in the ice when it happens. At the beginning she thinks it's just noises. When it talks again she listens to the whispers and understands the words. It's a masculine, rough, whisky, chilling voice that commands she to obey

 _"Look at me"_

It says, and she does, even if the voice it's inside her head, she does and she looks directly at one man sat at the bar.

She thinks he looks like the voice. He has short brown hair, bristle of a few days and he has a scar running across his right eye. He is handsome and the epitome of tall, dark, mysterious and dangerous in his old-fashioned long black coat that makes him look like a Mr. Darcy or a Heathcliff wannabe. He is looking at her without smiling, with a challenge in his eyes, and April wants to take that challenge. She isn't that kind of woman though so she walks out the bar and heads to her car. She is almost there when the same voice says the same darn thing inside her head. He is standing near a light street, but as the light is too dull, April can't see what he is doing there. However she is equally scared and pissed off, and yes, intrigued. She can't ignore the fact that he is attractive and compelling, there is something there moreover she can't put her finger on it. There are more voices in her head, however this time she can't distinguish what they are saying, it's just gibberish and she doubts her own sanity. She is not even sure he is there

"What do you want?" Asks April after a few minutes of unbearable silence "i have a gun" lies she.

He starts to walk towards her until he is at a mere centimeters from her. She can study him now, she could scape too. She doesn't do any of those things though, because she can't tear her gaze away from his eyes. He is looking at her with unquestionable desire, and nothing else. Nobody has looked at her with that kind of lust, and she thinks she is going to burn with it and because of it

"No you don't" answers he with that voice that has April's body quivering with anticipation "I have a room in the hotel across the street"

"I'm not..."

"You want to go with me... I don't want to know your name and you don't want to know mine, I just want you to go with me"

"I don't... I don't want to, I don't do that kind of things, I'm not that kind of girl, woman, I'm not that kind of woman, I'm a Christian, I..." and just when April was starting to ramble on he silenced her with a kiss.

She has been kissed a lot of times by a very few men, and there have always been some kind of feeling there, sometimes love, sometimes tenderness, sometimes just the fondness born from a friendship. There is nothing like that in this kiss, it's just lust and hunger, and April can't believe how much she does like this lack of feelings. The smartest part within her it it's yelling at her that she should push the guy, slap him for good measure and get into the car. However she doesn't do any of those things, she kiss him back with the same hunger, demanding and needy.

She doesn't know how they got to the shabby, cheap hotel. Her memories regarding the journey are reduced to kisses, teeth, his hands under her skirt, his neck under her lips, his calloused finger inside her panties, her body trapped between him and walls and trees.

They only stop when the get to the bedroom. It's an ordinary room, but April doesn't pay attention to it, the only thing she cares about it's the bed.

He is looking at her with that expression she has learned to read too fast, it makes her feel uncomfortable and when she is uncomfortable she starts rambling, but he has already learned that she does that, so he speaks before she does.

"Take the dress off" April wide her eyes too shocked and turned on by his demands "take the fucking dress off" he repeats more forceful and demanding after a few seconds.

Not even when Jackson and she started to have sex, not even when he made love to her at their wedding night, has Jackson looked at her with that kind of urgency, as if he couldn't wait one more second for her. It makes her feel special in a way that Jackson has never made her feel. This stranger is looking at her as if she is the sexiest woman he has ever seen and that is something April never gets. His words are at the same time a command and a challenge, and she decides to do what he says. It's not obedience though, it's the answer to his challenge. She takes her dress off with ease, with the same kind of movements she uses at home. She guesses that he doesn't need her to make an spectacle of it, which isn't her style

She stands there, at his side of the bed, still and uncomfortable, she wants to cover his nudeness, but she senses that it isn't allowed. He doesn't said anything, he just begins taking his clothes off without averting his gaze from her, and she can feel it on her skin, something almost physical and magical that has her quivering in anticipation

His body is covert by multiple huge, tribal tattoos and more scars, all kind of scars, burn scars and stabbing scars like a map that she wants to draw with her mouth and her tongue. His member is long, thick and it's hard. She wants to taste it, but she doesn't dare to move, not until he finish taking his clothes off, so she bites her low lip instead, which has an instant effect on his erect cock

"Come here" he says with husky voice at the same time he gets onto the bed. She has the same kind of urgency he has, she wants him in a way she has never allowed herself to want.

They meet at the center of the bed with a passionate kiss. And they start to fuck, for the first time in her life April feel she is fucking instead of making love... And she likes it

He is rough and brutal, his hands roam her skin fast, looking for something. He finds her breast and stop to devour her nipples with hungry hands, mouth and tongue. He is brutal and she loves it. After a few seconds of delicious torture he finds what he was looking for. Callouses fingers find the center and start to caress her. She is close, it has been too long since the last time she had sex and this stranger is pushing buttons she didn't know she had. When he finally enters her she is a wild creature seeking her release. She doesn't recognize her own voice when she starts to demand him to go faster and harder. He obeys and soon his path becomes urgent and brutal, and her orgasm takes her by surprise. He ends with an animalistic growl only a few minutes later.

He isn't done though. She is still trying to catch her breath when he kiss her brutally and start to fuck her with his finger. He is touching her just like she wants to be touched. And then he starts to whisper in his ear. She doesn't recognize the language, although she thinks is probably African. At the beginning it's sweet and melodic, his voice is low and rough and his fingers move at the same pace as his words. The pace increase, his voice become louder, his words sound harsher, yet there is rhythm to it like the sound of tambours, like the beating of their hearts.

"Kom na my toe nou" repeats him again and again

His voice, his fingers and his words have an effect on her and when she finally orgasm his voice is almost a scream as loud as the scream that escapes from his mouth. Her orgasm is so intense that she sees stars before her eyes, and then everything goes black

When she wakes up he isn't there. In the room only remain April, her shame and her guilt.


	2. Chapter 2

_She feels free than ever as she runs through the dense forest, her feet keep moving faster and faster; then she hears him calling her name. It sounds sweet on his tongue, she can't help but laugh at it, and so she runs faster and faster until he catches her. It's fine though, she never wanted to run away from him anyways. As his arms surround her waist, he grabs her seductively, and they both fall in a bed of leaves. She's laughing uncontrollably, while he is nibbling her neck to make her stop. But she can't stop so he then kisses her passionately. It changes the game, as she melts into his strong arms, which doesn't detour him, he keeps kissing her until she surrenders completely to him, and then he takes everything he wants which is what she wanted all along.  
"You are mine," he whispers delicately._  
 _"I'm yours," she responds as she turns her head towards his and his lips crash down onto hers._

April woke up sweaty and breathless, still unable to believe the dream she had just had. It's not her; she wasn't the type of girl to dream about sex, ever. And it's stupid because she dreams about him and she doesn't even know his name, she doesn't want to know it, she doesn't ever want to see him again. She isn't seeking a new relationship because her life is complicated enough as it is. However, her subconscious hasn't gotten that memo and she keeps having the dream over and over again. She is tired, burnt out, and exhausted. However, that isn't the worst thing, the worst thing is that Jackson has noticed and even though he hasn't said anything April knows he will sooner or later.  
"You look like shit," he told her, which was true and April was painfully aware of it. It's not even the first time he had said something like that to her, although in the past that kind of comment would have been born from his concern about her wellbeing. However, that isn't the case this time, at least that's what she thinks. Needless to say, she can't think clearly because of the lack of sleep, and lately they have only been fighting, so it's not a big shock that she thinks the worst about his words. And yet, her answer was a big surprise…for both of them.  
"Fuck you," she says. She would have found his reaction funny if she weren't trying to understand what was happening to her. April is a lot of things, she is a little bit neurotic and she can ramble on for hours, what she isn't, however, is a person who acts according to her instincts and emotions. She barely loses control and when she has, it wasn't like this, not by a long shot. She is enraged, outraged, and full of passionate hate. It was almost as if something took over her lips and her tongue and talked instead of her. And it was an overreaction, she knows that, but there is nothing she can do to fix that, actually she doesn't want to fix it, she still feels like she's under the control of something. So she decides to grab her purse and her jacket and leaves the house. When she gets into the car she has already found a perfectly logical explanation for everything.

That night she goes to another bar. She isn't planning to pick up anybody; all she wants is to have a drink to clear her head. But he is there, still tall, dark and mysterious, so when he makes a gesture and signals the door, she nods and follows him. The hotel is different and they f*** in the same desperate way. There are not names, only his dirty words and her m***. She can't have enough of his raw desire, it makes her feel special in a way love can't. This time she is the one who leaves him in the hotel room.  
It's not the last time. It doesn't matter which bar she chooses, he is always there, and she knows it's weird and creepy, and she probably should be scared and worried, but she doesn't think about it. What's important is that he is always there.  
When she is with him, she lives in a bubble of sex and nothing more, she loves it. It's uncomplicated as opposed to her relationship with Jackson, which always was based on angst and hopes of impossibly high expectations by an innocent, childish woman who didn't know better. April is different now, she has different needs, and this stranger knows how to fulfill them.  
She doesn't want Jackson to know; actually, she doesn't want anybody to know. It's her secret to keep, so she always goes back home at an early hour, and this stranger doesn't say anything, he just watches her leave with hungry eyes and she goes back to cold silence and colder gazes from Jackson.

Sometimes she wants to yell Jackson, she wants to tell him that he isn't the only one anymore, she doesn't, though, because she knows he will break her heart with his indifference.  
Deep down, she knows something has to give; it's just a question of "when". She just isn't expecting things to go the way they do.  
It happens in the cheapest bar she has ever been. Lately she has been testing his ability to show up in any bar she goes to. So far, he has been waiting for her in every single bar she has tried.  
This time is different, though, he seems to be in his element for the first time since she met him. He isn't an insecure man by any means, however he always seems to be so eager to leave the bar that after a few times she concluded that he didn't want to be there. This time he asks for drinks and kisses her passionately. Soon enough they are kissing and dancing as if they were alone, which is a first for someone like April, although she doesn't care, he always makes her do things that she didn't know that she wanted to do.

There are two things to be said about the bar. First of all, it's the kind of place where people can do anything they want without putting off other people. And second of all, April knows that nobody she knows is going to step foot into this place. It's too cheap, too dirty, and too nasty and the people in here are all of those things and more. So she lets him stroke her thighs and lift up her skirt a little bit, maybe she allows him to do those things because she is drunk and she feels adventurous. Even though the idea of those people watching her would have made her feel shame and guilt in any ordinary circumstance, but at that very moment, it turns her on. The truth is that it's never ordinary when she is with him. She hides her face in the crook of his neck whilst he carries on with his caressing, at the same time that he whispers all the things he wants to do to her once they get to the room. She is so turned on that she stars contemplating the idea of fucking in the bathroom. And then she hears someone saying her name. It's like waking up abruptly after having a weird dream; it takes April a few minutes to understand what is happening. By then he has put himself between April and the person in front of them. His protectiveness takes her for surprise, but not as much as the presence of those two women together. April watch them and feels so, so betrayed that she doesn't know what to do. It's he who breaks the awkward silence  
"Do you want to go?" He asks April and the truth is that yes, she wants to go, so she nods, he grabs her hand and just leads her outside  
"Are you well?" He asks, and it's weird because he has never shown any kind of concern for her  
"Yes, I'm good"  
"Should I be worried"  
"What?" she answers.  
"I mean, are you married?"  
She laughs humorlessly because it's a weird thing to ask after months of screwing her  
"And now you ask? Would it change anything?"  
"No, it wouldn't, I just want to know if I have to be worried about a jealous husband or a jealous boyfriend"  
She sighs and turns her face in order to avoid his gaze. The answer is more complicated than what it should be. She isn't married, but she has a daughter, lives with her daughter's father, and she still feels something for him. She can't, rather, she doesn't want to explain all those things to him, she wants to keep the mystery and the silence between them; she doesn't want a relationship. But the truth is that they are already in some kind of twisted relationship and he deserves at least the uncomplicated version of the true

"No, you don't"

"Good" he answers just before he starts to kiss her again. It's not enough to make her leave it alone, because it occurs to her that maybe he is the one married, so she push him weakly and stops the kiss to ask

"What about you? Should I be worried?"

He directs her a predatory gaze that sends shivers down her spine

"Only about me" he answers with his whiskey voice just before shutting her down with his lips

* * *

 **Hi people, thanks for reading my first fanfiction ever. I want to thank my wonderful beta Raquel for helping me to make this story better. All the mistakes are mine, not hers**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi. Here I am with a new chapter. This one is from James Delaney POV. I hope to do justice this great character. If you haven't seen Taboo go and watched, one of the best shows I have seen this season.**

 **As always, this is thanks to my awesome beta 17daysgreys**

 **I hope you like it. Whether you do or you don't leave me a review. English isn't my native language so I appreciate when people tell me where I went wrong. Thanks to the people who has left me a review**

 **Now, go with the story.**

* * *

 _She is naked, hovering above him and holding his knife. She looks beautiful, like a heathen goddess of fertility. She is a stunning creature with her curly red hair, her pale skin, and those eyes that have an_ indecipherable _color. Her body is perfect and he wants nothing more than to touch it, but he can't because he is her prisoner and her slave, tied up to the headboard of the bed, his arms are outstretched forming a cross, his feet are free and yet he won't dare to move to them. She draws an imaginary path on his skin with his knife, slowly and carefully. Her movements are soft and erotic in a twisted kind of way, she could very well hurt him and kill him, but she won't and he knows it. She has all the power and both of them enjoy it_

 _"You are mine," she whispers in his lips_

 _"I'm yours," he answers before she devours his lips_

James opens his eyes slowly. He is naked, covered with ashes, and he is, bucking and pawing at the dirty floor, singing in a language that very few men know. His body has scars all over it, on his arms, his torso, his ass, his thighs, and his back. The skin free of scars is covered with a black tribal tattoo that looks like entwined tree branches. His voice is low and husky, his movements are frantic, and the room is cold and dirty. The last remaining ashes in his hand fall into the fire when he blows them and the flame burns hotter for a second before it goes out and James end his chant.

It's becoming harder and harder to get to her spirit. Sometimes he can see her in his lovers' eyes, just like he can feel her in his lovers' kisses. But her visits are few and scarce and he doesn't care that much anymore. It has been a long time since the last time he saw her and so he has grown used to her absence.

He knows her lovers name, even if she hasn't told him. It's a beautiful name for a beautiful woman. She is beautiful inside and out and James doesn't know how to deal with her kindness, after all he has been the King of the Dammed for centuries, women like her should fear him instead of lusting after him.

What would she say if she knew that he used to be accompanied by whores, thieves, and murderers? What would she say if she knew about all the blood on his hands? He wishes he could change for her, but it isn't in his nature to be good and kind, maybe the people who called him "the Devil" were right. It has been a long time since then, he has lived different lives until he arrived to this new corrupted, dark, and twisted age, an age as nothing like he has seen before, and he has seen a lot during his travels and his adventures

April reminded him of the Zilpha before everything, before she went crazy and became someone who Delaney couldn't love anymore. Who is to say that April won't change into the late Zilpha when he ends the ritual? He doesn't know and he doesn't care, the only thing he knows is that she has to be his.

The knock on the door enraged him. His men know better that to disturb him when he closes himself in the useless attic at midnight

"What?" James growl the words after the third knock

"Boss, we have a call"

"So?"

"We have a new target"

"Where?"

"Boston"

"Give it to Frank"

"Boss..."

"I said give it to Frank!"

The person on the other side of the door doesn't answer. James knows they are all worried about him, which is a strange feeling inasmuch as it has been almost 100 years since anybody worried about him. For the first time he is working on the government side, which doesn't mean he is working with the good guys, for instance, his job is still bloody and despicable and he is still one of the bad guys, the only difference is that nowadays he has the Government permission to do those vile things.

His men worry because since he met her he hasn't left the city, and that is unusual for him. The truth is he wants to stay in the city in case April decides to go looking for someone because the simple idea of somebody else touching her makes him go crazy. And yet, he knows there is someone else, he can feel him in her dreams and her thoughts, that man is always lurking in her subconscious and James hates him.

He closes his eyes and call to her, not Zilpha but April. He thinks that maybe he should forget about the former, after all she is nothing more than a ghost.

He knows she is going to go to a bar tonight. Usually he allows her to choose the place, this time, though, he whispers words in her mind until she enters the kind of place he loves.

It's dirty and decadent, the people in it are the worst kind of people, dregs of the society that look at her with hungry eyes when she enters the bar.

She shouldn't be here, she is too good for this, but she kisses him hello with passion and allows him to do things to her that are waking something within him that he thought had died, when that first shipwreck that killed everything good in him had happened.

When they are in the motel room they start kissing, biting and devouring each other as if they were not humans, but animals. Afterwards she doesn't get up as usual; she stays in the bed, lazy, and satiated. She has her own scar, it's in her abdomen, and he knows it's nothing like his own, this scar gave life and for that he always treat it with tenderness and care, today though he wants to know

"You have a children" she looks at him confused, it's the same reaction she always has when he departs from the unofficial deal they signed when they started this "the scar" he says to clarify something that doesn't need to be clarified "it's because you had a child, you had to be operated on?" she remains silent and avoids his gaze. There is something else there and James understands instinctively her silence and her pain. Everybody he once knew is dead or they have left him behind after he shared his secret with them. It hurts, but he isn't the sensitive kind so the pain is bearable, in fact, it's like white noise now. She makes him kiss her again as an answer and he knows the conversation is over.

"What about you?" she asks after another round of sex "Do you have children?"

"I had a boy" usually when he says such thing people looks at him with pity and they don't know what to tell him nor what to do, so the conversations become incredible awkward, but not with April. She looks at him with a mixture of surprise and understanding, so he isn't surprised when she says

"Sorry. I know how it is" and she knows it, James is sure of it.

"Someone like you shouldn't know it" he whispers because it's what he thinks, although he knows it isn't how life works. She just smiles sadly at him and get up. It's time for her to leave.

He stays in bed while she has a shower. He could join her but she doesn't want him there, she is probably crying and they don't have the kind of relationship where they comfort each other with sweet talk and tenderness. She doesn't kiss him goodbye when she leaves the room, she just put her clothes on and goes away

Alone again, James thinks about what he has just learned about her. It's hard to imagine her sad and broken, but her eyes when they talked about their dead children told him everything he needed to know. She really is as broken as he is.

* * *

 **If you are wondering where is Jackson, don't worry, he is on the next one, so stay tuned**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi people. Is someone there?**

 **Well here we go, finally Jackson shows up and finds out. I hope I got him right. Let me know what you think. You know how**

 **Remember, this story is Japril endgame, so just beard with me for a while**.

She is staring at him, opening and closing her mouth as to say something, but Jackson is not in the mood for another fight. Lately, it seems to him that all their conversations that aren't about their daughter end with yelling and a bang. Unluckily for him, she seems decided to say whatever it is in her mind, probably something he doesn't want to know. That's why Jackson cuts her before she can said anything with an irritated "What?" Funny how a single word can act like an scalpel in the surgeon hands, cutting with incredible and clinic accuracy whatever hope she has of having a peaceful talk. He feels bad for it, but it's better than the fight they would have ended having otherwise. She denies with and bites her lips nervously, then she bowels her head and focus her gaze on the table. When she finally looks at him again there is this spark in her eyes that he knows it means that he is about the get what he deserves for being such an idiot

"It's nothing Jackson" she said with that falsely sweet voice of her that usually spells problems for him "but when your little friends explain it to you remember this, I tried to have a honest and civilized conversation with you and you acted like an asshole" she stops talking for a second. Her gaze burns him with her silent accusations and her reproach "Again" and with that said she gets up and makes her dramatic exit. It's probably not as perfect as she was aiming for; after all there is a baby that starts crying when her mother makes the first movement so April has to make a detour in order to comfort her. When Harriet calms down, April turns around to look at him at his eyes again. This time there is not challenge nor is rage in her gaze, there only sadness and tiredness, which makes him want to punch whoever has put those things there. The sad thing it's that it has been him, Jackson, who has made her feel like that, therefore Jackson hates himself a little more for it

"I'll take her to the daycare. Pick her up after you end, I have work tonight"

Which is a lie and he knows it. She has never been a good liar and that hasn't changed, however she lies differently, she doesn't sweat, she doesn't ramble and she doesn't babble nervously anymore, she doesn't seem to feel guilty for her lies either. And it reminds him of how much she has changed. He misses the girl she was, the one with whom he felt in love. That girl was a chaotic mixture of babbling and rambling about everything and anything under the sun and he loved her with all his soul. He still loves her, even if she is a new woman, someone who has substituted the rambling for silence and the nervous babbling for a confident smile, in fact he has fell in love with the new April Kepner all over again, the problem is that he has a shitty way of prove it

She changed the most after Samuel death, or maybe she did it before, he doesn't know it because he was going through his own transformation, he guesses that the death of a son would do that to anyone. They have always been so different that their relationship is nothing but miraculous, and isn't it ironic that he is the one who believes in miracles now? She used to be the one with the faith and the bible and now she is the one who goes to sleep without praying. At least he thinks she doesn't pray anymore, after all she doesn't go to the mass as she used to go before Samuel died. Back then, when she had withdrawn into herself and he was desperate for her, Jackson went to the Chapel and prayed to a God he wanted to believe in. He was ready to do whatever she needed from him, even read the Bible and listen to the Priest. But she didn't choose her religion to find comfort, she chose war, and that right there sums up all the ways she is different now. His sweet, innocent, sad wife went to Jordan and she came back transformed in someone called "The Machine"

She has changed again. After she took that job and after they have their first fight since Harriet was born, she changed. She started to go out at least once every week, she is pale and she always, always look tired, worse than the way she looked after Harriet birth. The worse thing is her behavior though. She swears and goes out at night, she has been isolated by everybody at the hospital and she seems to be happy about it. And that, right there, it's what hurt the most, that she doesn't miss him as much as he misses her.

Jackson tidy up the living room before following her to the hospital. Once he is there the morning becomes hectic and by the time he can take a break it's almost time to pick up Harriet and go back to his house, so he isn't counting on founding other coworkers at the cafeteria. Arizona proves him wrong when she sits down in front of him abruptly and without further actions she starts talking

"I'm worried about her"

"What? Who?"

"April, I'm sure you have noticed she is acting out" Jackson stops eating. Yes, he is painfully aware of her change of behavior, that doesn't mean that he wants other people knowing about it, or talking about it for that matter

"I don't know what you are talking about"

"Come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about, she is different"

"And by different you mean..." Jackson make a gesture with his hands as to invite her to keep talking, to which Arizona answers by rolling her eyes before complying

"Please, you know what I mean... She is... Withdrawn"

"We are giving her the cold shoulder, remember?"

"Maybe it started like that, but don't you have the feeling that now she is the one giving us the cold shoulder?"

"Maybe" Jackson answers reluctantly just before biting his sandwich. He knows that April is the one mad at them now, she barely talks to him at home and when she does she is always defensive and distrustful, in a nutshell, she is always ready for a fight

"I tried to speak to her and she short of kick me out"

"You know April, she doesn't know how to hold a grudge, she will forget everyt-"

"That is not..." Arizona denies with her head lost in thoughts. She takes a few minutes to decide what should be her next course of action. At the end she resolves that she should tell him, even if it means that him and the rest of her co-workers will hate her, after all April is her best friend and her wellbeing is most important than a low popularity caused by her relationship with Eliza Minninck "I saw her last night" she exclaims

Jackson stops everything he is doing to focus completely on her. Arizona closes her mouth, she doesn't really know how to tell him what she saw, she knows how painful can be finding out that your former lover is moving on while you are still stuck in the ashes of your relationship "she was at a bar..."

"She was drinking" Jackson interrupts her, he is secure that drinking is the problem with April

"No, no.. Yes, maybe... That is not what I'm talking about"

"Isn't it?"

"No... Jackson, there isn't an easy way to said this, so I'm going to rip the band out..."

"Okaaay"

"She was with someone"

"My mother? They have been going out together lately"

"No... Not your mother... Jackson, she was there to pick a man"

Jackson stares her for moment and then he starts laughing hysterically. Virgin April Kepner going out to pick up men? That can't be true.

"April? April Kepner... My ex-wife who was a 29 years old virgin, April? That can't be true! You are wrong! It's all a misunderstanding"

"No it's not... I just talked with her"

"And what did she said?"

"That is not my busin-"

"So you are wrong"

"That it's not my business but he is someone she has been seeing"

Ok, that makes more sense, at least in Jackson opinion, not that it's a good thing but Jackson isn't stupid, he has known that it was wound to happen sooner than later

"Ok, so she is dating someone"

"No, that is not... That wasn't her words"

"That wasn't... What did she said?"

"That they are fucking" Arizona makes the gesture of in quotes mark with her hands so to imply that April said those exact words, and it can't be true. It breaks his heart in a way he thought it couldn't happen anymore. He can feel his blood boiling and he only sees red. The idea of someone else touching her it's unbearable, he has been the only one for years and he always has felt it was a privilege that only he could enjoy

"That.., that can't be true"

"I saw them... Jackson... That bar"

"What? What happen with that bar?"

"It's in the Pioneer Square"

"What? Are fucking kidding me?"

"No, Jackson, I'm sorry, but it's the true... And it's not even the worst part..."

"It isn't? How my wife screwing someone behind my back..."

"She is not your wife!"

"We are living together, we have a daughter together! I deserve to know..."

"JACKSON! Would you leave me explain"

"Fine, go ahead"

"The guy..."

"What happen with the guy?"

"He is bad news..."

"Well, it shouldn't be a shock, she had a thing for Alex..."

"Jackson!"

"Fine, sorry, keep talking"

"He... Had the face scarred and that isn't the worst... He... He was carrying..."

"He was carrying what..."

"A weapon... When we greeted her he put himself between us and April he showed us that he was carrying... I think it was a knife but I couldn't see it"

"What are you trying to tell me...?"

"That I'm pretty sure he threatened us and he would have done something to us if he thought April was in danger"

"What make you believe that?"

"My guts..." she makes a dramatic pause before talking again "Listen, I don't think she knows..."

"And that makes it better, how?"

"It doesn't, in fact, it's the opposite thing, because it means she is in danger"

 **And that is all for now. What do you think Jackson is going to do?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey people, sorry for the delay. Here is a new chapter and the reason why I'm struggling with Jackson lately. When I wrote this chapter and I tried to get into his mindset and write what I think he could do, this is the scene that came to my mind. I don't think the show is going to take him here but I think he has problems, he has little control over his rage and he is bottling up all that rage. So this is what I imagined. And now I'm having a hard time imagining a happy ending for Jackson and April in my story. The show and Shonda aren't helping. But, I promised a Japril ending so I will give you a Japril ending even if I feel like that isn't the ending I want (I want April moving on from Jackson, probably alone, and ready to meet someone fantastic) As always, let me know what you think. And well, what do you think I should do?**

* * *

 _She was sitting astride him, her skirt was up to allow him to have access to her center, and he was taking advantage of it, even though the place was narrow, the bent uncomfortable, and she was wearing too many layers of clothes_

 _"We shouldn't be doing this" she says breathless into his mouth, to which he answers nibbling her lobe sensually, just like she likes, and that causes an immediate response in her, she moans and opens her legs to allow him a better access to her sex_

 _"I want to fuck you" he whispers before attacking her long and beautiful neck. He uses the exact amount of lip, tongue and tooth on that part of her neck that entices her most passionate answer_

 _"Not here" she begs with a sigh "it's wrong"_

 _"Why? I sent the priest away, nobody is going to stop us" he punctuates his words by pushing his hips up, a movement that allows him to rub his erected shaft with her center "don't you see what you are doing to me". She doesn't answer, she just impales herself on his member and begins to move rhythmically her hips, up and down. She dictates the rhythm and he follows her lead. It was fast and dirty, and she loved the knowledge of being doing something wrong and forbidden. She wanted to challenge God and all the angels again and again, she wanted to be punished, she was doomed, dammed and she loved it. He changed the angle and started to impose his own rhythm, faster and punishing it was exactly what she needed. Soon enough their movement grows faster and more desperate as the two get closer to their orgasm. She repeats his name again and again as a prayer, desperate for reaching her release. He can feel her desperation, how close she is to get what she wants, therefore he takes pity of her and rubs that bundle of nerves that will send her over the edge, and he does it just as she likes, hard and quickly. She goes first yelling something intelligible, and he follows her after a few trusts with a shoot_

 _They stay there, breathless and deliriously happy, hugging and giggling like teenagers in the Confessional in a random Church_

April wake up with a start…

Breathless and confused she needs a few seconds to put herself together, and when she did she could only feel shame and guilt. Furthermore, she couldn't believe she just had an erotic dream, in a call-room, in the middle of the hospital, during his swift, and that isn't the worst part, actually it's the least bad thing about the entire situation. Because she is sweaty and uncomfortable, her panties are dirty and sticky, she feels like she just ran a marathon instead of feeling fresh and rested, in fact she feels bone tired, but that is how she has been feeling for weeks... And at last, the worst part, the dream itself and its meaning.

She doesn't want to think about it, she doesn't want to remember it and she doesn't want to analyze it. She knows she has been mad at God and everything related to him, she tried to not to, but how not blame him for Samuel's death? She tried to embrace the comfort provided by Jesus and the mass, just like she tried to believe in the comforting words provided by the Bible and the churchmen, but she just couldn't do any of that. She keeps going to the mass, but not as often as she used to go, and when she does go the priest's words just sound empty, hollow and meaningless. Her crisis of faith only make her feel lost, confused, angry, abandoned and generally wrong in too many different levels, and after that dream she feels all those things thousandfold . She has never dreamed about anything as sacrilege as making love in a church, it's just dirty and disgusting, and yet, deep down, under all the shame and the guilt, she also feels hot and aroused. She can remember his hands, his lips, all the feelings evoked by those icy eyes that only get warm when they are looking at her.

It's also a weird dream, because it was her but it wasn't her, she guessed that this is how she would feel if she was a simple passenger within her own body, that wasn't her real body. She felt disconnected, and yet she could feel everything just as she knew everything, even the name that she doesn't know in real life yet.

All in all, it was an strange dream and a stranger experience, she was doing something absolutely out of character in that dream and she is fine with it, maybe because she wasn't absolutely sure she was herself on that dream. Furthermore, she still feels sleepy and tired, she is in daring need of a shower and she only has 10 minutes before she has to go back to the Pit and the cold looks of her coworkers, and yet she is feeling strangely hopeful, just like the woman in the dream, and the only thing she can think about is her stranger and what she wants to do with him that night

So she just push down the shame and the guilt, and just as she told Jackson, she doesn't go back home, she goes to another bar seeking for her stranger. He was there, as always, with a sexy smirk and a scotch for her. She stopped wondering how he could know where and when find her, so she just takes the glass and smiles

Neither of them noted than someone was watching them

Jackson knows that following his ex-wife as an ordinary stalker is a very bad idea, worse than that, it is a terrible idea. But he can't resist the need of checking on her, not after watching her walking to the car without even acknowledging him. He just needs to see with his own eyes that Arizona was wrong and April was just having some drinks tonight, probably with his mother

Therefore he follows April to a club, the kind of place that April has always disregarded as too noisy and too dirty, with the kind of music that she wouldn't listen to because of being too rude or too explicit, actually the song sounding through the speakers is even too explicit for Jackson tastes, "Rape me" by Nirvana should be banned from every radio in the country, at least that is what Jackson opines. However, this is Seattle and Nirvana is obligatory in this kind of places, so he just ignores Kurt Cobain's enraged words and focus on the task in hand, that is watching April. It's more difficult that he thought since Jackson can't find April in the crew and when he finally sees her, she is with him. It isn't difficult for Jackson to understand what Arizona meant by ' _dangerous',_ the man has the air around himself that would have the decent and good people running towards the opposite side of the bar. But obviously April doesn't feel threatened by him, not by any means. At the beginning they are just talking, and sure, they are way too close to each other for Jackson's tastes, but there wasn't anything that yelled _relationship_ in their mannerism _,_ at least not to him. He was just trying to decide whether he should leave the place or wait when the stranger man grabs April by her waist and they start dancing, which has Jackson choking in the beer he just asked for . The dance is short lived, and they aren't doing anything that could make Jackson think that there is something between them, and yet the sexual tension is undeniable, it's so obvious that people around them have stopped what they were doing just to watch them, and true to be told, Jackson doesn't blame them because the couple is mesmerizing, he can feel the electricity between them from the other side of the local... And he can't find words to describe April. She is just not of this world, an ethereal apparition that he can only describe with one word and the only word that comes to his mind is "sexual" -not sensual, sexy or hot- she is pure sex in a way he has never seen before, he has only gotten a glimpse of this in those bathrooms in San Francisco, the rest of the time she has been weirdly sexy, innocently sexy or just sensual, but she has never look anything like this, and that makes him crazy. When the couple finally kisses is the last straw and from that moment on Jackson is just a furious man, he just wants to kill that man, burn the place and take April far away from here and keep her with him where they started, in bed and in love, just as she wanted.

It requires an effort of epic proportions, but he manages to restrain himself and get out of that bar before he does something absolutely crazy and illegal, then he went back to his house

He waited up for her to go back to home. He has always waited up, however he used to do it at his room, with the lights off and the door closed because he never wanted her to know that he cares that much. This time is different though, he is waiting for her in the living room, with his laptop, working in Maggie's mother cancer to keep himself busy with something else besides April and another man touching what Jackson regards as his. He has been drinking, probably too much, and has been planning what to say to her, what he wants their talk to be

When she gets into the house, quietly and carefully, he closes his laptop and waits until she is in front of him. He takes some deep breaths, trying to keep calm and chill. She looks as always but for her swollen lips and her wild hair

"You have talked with Arizona"

"Yes, I have talked with Arizona... What the hell are you doing April?"

"I'm single, I can..."

"No, you can't we have a daughter and that guy could become..."

"Is that the problem? You thing he is going to become her stepfather…You have nothing to worry about, it's only sex... And by the way, where is Harriet?"

"With Arizona, I asked her to take care of her"

"Of course, Arizona, has she told you what was she doing in that bar?

"No, and I don't care! This isn't about Arizona, it's about you April, you having sex with some stranger guy with scars her face and you said that is only sex, but, you know what April, I don't believe you, I remember the last time you called a relationship 'only sex' so excuse me if I don't take your word for it... And I have seen you"

"It's not the same... I don't even know his name... And what do you mean with that you have seen us?"

He ignores her question, after all he isn't ready to admit the fact he has been stalking her, not even to himself, so he decides to focus on everything else, anything to deflect her attention from the stalking part. He tries to inflect his words with all the disdain he wants she to believe he is feeling

"Oh, that is fantastic... Then you aren't having a relationship, you are whoring yourse-" he closes his mouth when he realizes what he just has said to her. She is furious and he knows that any chance of having a civilized conversation is lost, and it's his fault "Crap, April, I didn't want to"

"Whoring myself? What the hell is your problem! Fuck you Jackson, fuck you!"

"April, I already say I'm sorry ok..."

"You know what? Yes, I'm whoring myself and I love it, because he made feel things that you never made me feel..."

At the very moment that those words left April mouth Jackson started to see red and something snapped inside him. Before he knows what he is doing he grabs her by the wrist and raises his other hand as to slap her. It's her expression what makes him snap again, just at the last minute before he does something absolutely horrifying. She is looking at him with wide eyes and trembling lips, but she isn't afraid of him, that isn't April, not anymore, she is trying to control her own fury They are in an impasse until all she talks, by then he knows she isn't going to listen to anything he has to say, at least not tonight

"Are you going to hit me, Jackson?" She asks him mockingly, which she shouldn't do while he is trying to calm himself "come on Jackson..."

"April..." He warns her "just shut up, please"

"Why don't you do it, you have been wishing to hit me since I went to Jordan… Is that what you need to feel better? Come on, DO IT!"

"SHUT UP" he drops her wrist and pushes her far away from himself, which makes her fall in the sofa. Now she is looking at him with fear, there are tears behind her eyes and he can see the mark that his fingers have left on his pale skin. He has never felt worst in his life, he feels he have reach a new low and have gone beyond that. He is desperate to earn her forgiveness, but he knows he doesn't deserve it. Nonetheless, he kneels in front of her and tries to kiss the place on his wrist where he has marked her, but she flinches when he tries to do so, therefore he tries to beg, with tears in his eyes, and prays to a god he doesn't believe in that she is still the kind girl who forgives everything "look, I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you, you have to believe me April, I'm very sorry..." She is denying with the head and crying silently "April, please..." he bows his head until he is touching her knees, weirdly enough this time she doesn't refuse him. Both of them are crying now, and for the first time in their relationship they don't seek comfort in each other, they are just there, frozen in time until April talks with trembling voice

"I need to go, I... I'll come back... But I can't be with you in the same room right now, please Jackson, let me go". He nods and moves aside to allow her to move, then she gets up from the coach, take her things with trembling hands and leave the house

She founds James in the hotel room where she left him. He opens the door, looks at her with unreadable expression and takes her in his arms.

At his home, Jackson is staring at the turned off TV and drinking alone


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't know if there is some Taboo fan reading this, if they are this scene will be slightly familiar. Also, at some points, James could seem out of character, but well I think that after some centuries he could have changed, and well, he treats April as one of the Damned. People who haven't watched Taboo (what are you waiting for) will found out that James can be brutal and cruel with his enemies, but he can also be the most loyal person, he will do anything and everything to protect his people, and in my story he considers April as one of his people.**

* * *

The first thing April noted when she entered into the room was the smell. It was a mixture of sex, ashes and something unknown to her. Then she saw the display of objects on the floor: one bowl full of ashes, a fire in the fireplace that is burning down and ashes everywhere, on the floor, on the walls, on him...

"Did I interrupt something?" she asks politely, mostly because she doesn't know what to say, and truth to be told, she doesn't want to think about it, she is too tired and too shocked and confused to wonder what he could be doing with all those things, at least it has her forgetting about her fight with Jackson and the ugly marks that have already formed in her wrist. She doesn't expect any answer from him, and it's fine because she just wants to get lost in his arms and his lust, she only wishes to forget and she doesn't want to care about anything else. So it's a great yet annoying surprise when he answers

"I'm praying". April opens and shuts her mouth like a fish out of the water and looks at him with an incredulous look. What she has in front of her isn't like anything she has ever seen, she doesn't know about any Christian or Muslim ritual that includes a naked man covered in ashes

"Pra- Praying? To who? She stammers afraid of the possible answer

"I pray to gods, goddesses, spirits and ghosts"

 _Well_ _is better than praying to the devil_ she thinks. It's not until he laughs that she realized that she said that aloud

"I guess you are right" he answers her with a smirk that is hot enough to remind her that she didn't go to his room to talk, so she takes off her jacket with a sexy smirk of her own. Sadly, it doesn't have the effect on him she wanted as without her jacket her marks are visible and his eyes had zeroed on them

"That was me?" He whispers softly, as if afraid of her answer, which is a strange thing to ask since he has always been weirdly careful with her, even when they usually were rude in their lovemaking. Moreover his reaction is odd because she has never thought he cared about her wellbeing

"No, no, it wasn't you... Can we..." She makes a gesture with her hands indicating the space between them, uncomfortable and confused whilst was trying very hard to not break down when images of what happened with Jackson come rushing into her head

"What?" He asks her whilst looking directly at her eyes "why are you here? I don't think is for sex"

"Yes, I..."

"No, you don't" he starts to circle her, like a predator to its victim. There is a spark in his eyes, something dangerous she has always tried to ignore, but it has gotten harder and harder to do so as time has gone by. The truth is that that danger is part of what make her crazy about him "I can feel it you know" he continues "every time you lie to me I can feel it" he whispers in her ear "I know a lot of things, I know that something happened to you and I'm the one who you sought. You want to tell me but you are afraid of me not wanting to listen to you. Well, I'm telling you this, I want to know things about you. You are the one who wants to believe that this is just sex, but it's not and deep down you know it" she looks at him and gets trapped in his gaze, mesmerized by his deep rouge voice and his eyes until she turns her head and close her eyes in a vain attempt to distract herself from all the feelings he is raising in her. He keeps rounding her. He stops and she can feel him behind herself, so close that she can feel his body heat, she can also smell him. He still smells like sex and something else that is only his, she can feel the change in his breath when he scents her hair. When he talks again, this time he is so close that April can feel his words as a physical presence crashing in her ears "My name is James Delaney" he whispers a second before he started to follow a path down her neck with his mouth

"I... I don't" she stammers stupidly flustered by his actions, as if this was the first time he had mouthed her body "I don't want to..." she complains, even if she doesn't know what it is that she doesn't want

"Yes, you do." he says seductively. The true is he is right, she wants to talk, she wants to tell him who she is and what happened to her tonight. She wants to talk about that time when Samuel died and she thought about taking the pills hidden in the bathroom closet and put an end to all the pain. She wants to explain him that one day she had to shoot someone to save a soldier life. She wants to confess that she almost had an affair with a soldier in Jordan and the only things stopping her were her guilt and her moralism. She wants to tell him all those things she could never tell to Jackson because she was too afraid of his reaction and because she didn't want Jackson to change his opinion about her or see her as a new person. Which probably contributed to the failure of their marriage, after all she became a different person in Jordan, just like he did in Seattle. Samuel's death changed them and they didn't try to know these new people they have become. There is also a part of her that doesn't want to share anything with James either, that part wants to keep their relationship about sex and nothing more. That same part chooses to ignore the feeling of Deja vu she had when he told her his name, because she _knew_ his name. That part wins therefore she turns around and grabs him by the neck to kiss him deeply. He is naked and hard against her and yet he isn't doing anything about it, so she decides to give him a last push by rubbing her hips against her hardness,

"I don't want to talk, I just want to forget, make me forget James" she begs with her best sultry voice

As an answer he kisses roughly, grabs her breasts crudely, and just when April believes that he is going to give her what she is asking for he stops altogether and take a step back

"Tell me your name" his voice is demanding, which isn't a first, but there is something there that she can't put her finger on it, he is almost begging for it, even if it sounds like a command she can hear his need, and she feel it on her skin.

"April... My name is April" it feels like a confession, and because of that it 'is liberating and a relief. At the same time she feels hot and dizzy, it's difficult to breath and her body demands for relief. Before she can analyze why she feels like that just for saying her name, he grabs her by the waist and kiss her. His tongue demands entrance and she obligates with a sight. The kiss is like any other kiss, forceful and hot and with a lot of tongue and teeth, however she thinks it's the start of something new between them, deeper and meaningful. He whirls her and makes her put her hands on the wall and bend a little. She has never tried anything like this, it feels dirty and sinful, the way he lifts her dress skirt and pulls her panties down. He does not prepare her, it's something she does while he puts himself a condom that she doesn't know where he had hidden. She touches herself quickly, somehow surprised because she is already wet and ready. Then he aligns himself with her entrance and enters her with a quick movement of his hips. He begins to trust in and an out following a maddening rhythm that it's at the same time familiar and like nothing she has ever felt. He is hitting some hidden place within her that has her moaning aloud. She feels like a wild animal and his grunts add up to that feeling. Hardly ever she has let herself go like she is doing now. It's primal, raw and honest and she can feel some barrier inside her breaking. His trusts are more and more forceful with every second and she loves every minuteof it. She can feel herself peaking up fast and knows it is going to be intense. It's then when he bites her neck and that is all she needs to go over the edge with a shout that it's followed by James grunt. Her orgasm is so intense that she believes she would have fallen if he wasn't holding her. They stay like that, she is still facing the wall and he is holding her from behind. They need a few seconds to catch their breath and recover their strength. Suddenly she feels him manhandling her until he is holding her bride style. She is too tired and too lazy to complain when he carries her to the bed and la drops her on the bed which makes her giggle. He doesn't say anything; he just follows her suit and holds her from behind. And just like that, in his arms, with his strong presence behind her, she falls sleep

That night is the first night she sleeps a dreamless sleep in a long time.

When she wakes up is still at night. She can see the dark sky and the full moon through the window that lights the room. She can hear him chanting, she recognizes his voice as it's one of her favorites things about him, although she can't distinguish the words as they sound like incessant gibberish to her. She wants to do the sensitive thing and respect his beliefs and the ritual, she wants to be silent and doesn't want to intrude what he is doing, but it's a lose battle, she is a curious person by nature, so after a few seconds she sits up to see. The clock says three o'clock and she can't believe how little time has passed since she left her house.

The bedroom is bathed by the dim white light of the moon and the stars and it's like it is focused on the man in front the fireplace. He is still nude, still covered in ashes and dirt, and yet he is beautiful in a way she never thought a man could be. She always belief that the word _beautiful_ could only be used in regard women and men with a particular characteristics, like Jackson with his huge blue eyes, long lashes, boyish smile and olive skin. James, on the other hand, it's totally different. He is pure testosterone and virility embodied in a strong body sculpted by hard work and not for hours in the gym as he is muscular in a natural kind of way. He has also a masculine face, with a strong jaw, small deep grey eyes and sinful voluptuous lips. He is on his knees, chanting and moving rhythmically in front of the fireplace as if he were some tribe shaman. Up and down, left and right, he moves his upper body at the rhythm marked by his invocation. The mantra's rhythm is like a heartbeat and she takes some seconds to realize that her own heart is keeping the pace with the chant and the air is charged with electricity, damp and warm it makes it difficult to breath. It's like the atmosphere before a huge electricity storm. His voice grows louder and louder, the rhythm quicker and quicker, April heartbeat's faster and faster and the air heavier and heavier. She can feel his words as something physical, as if they were craving along her skin. She can't think, she can't breathe and she can't escape, the atmosphere is oppressive and suffocating. She wants him to end, she wants to beg him to stop, to shut the fuck up and make the world right again. And suddenly he shouts something in that estrange language and everything goes silent, the air is clean and April can take a breath again. She feels exhausted as if she had ran a marathon, although she feels relaxed and calmed as well, actually, she feels something akin to serenity, the kind of feeling she used to have every time she prayed or went to the church, something that she hasn't felt outside an OR since Samuel's death.

She doesn't realize she blacked out until she feels his hands touching her softly, his mouth following a path along her neck. It's still dark, so she assumes she only has been out for a few minutes, and yet she feels like if she has had slept for days. She moves her hips backward against his growing hardness and lifts slightly the leg to facilitate his access. She welcomes him with a moan when he enters her with a fluid movement. He strokes her nipples following the same rhythm that he trusts into her. She can feel his shaft touching that place inside her that gives her the greatest pleasure. She is approximating her peak fast, as usual, which is perfect as she has always enjoyed the fast and furious kind of sex. She shouts his name when gets her orgasm and he follows her after a few more trusts

However, for the first time since this relationship started, April feels the guilt That was the first time she didn't yelled Jackson name when she climaxed. It makes her relationship with James more real

As if he could feel her doubts and her fears, James takes her face in his hands and compels her to look at his eyes

"What you have seen before.., I don't allow other people to see it"

"Sorry" she mumbles confused and ashamed "I didn't want to..."

"I knew you were watching and I left you. Did you feel it?"

"Did I feel what?"

"Everything, did you feel it?

April remains silence while she thinks about it, even if his words make no sense, she knows she felt something although she doesn't know what was it and she doesn't want to know. She wants to believe that it was her imagination, she wants to say no and deny the fact that she felt something inexplicable and strange, something that makes her doubt her beliefs and ideas. She hates to think that it might be something else besides God ruling the world and tonight she feel it as she used to feel God. But it turns out she can lie to him, actually, she can't lie to save her life, so after a few minutes debating with herself she decides to be honest

"I think I did" he nods and answers

"You are one of us now"

"One of you?"

"The Dammed, the people who have gone through too much, have seen too many things and always do what it has to be done"

She wants to contradict and reject his words, but deep down she is well aware of the fact that he is right, so she just look at him waiting for something else, an explanation, an statement of facts, a request, anything. But he just kisses her passionately and starts a new round of lovemaking, and another, and after the fourth one she feels so euphoric and relaxed that she just starts talking

"I should go. I mean I have a daughter and I should go to pick her up but I don't know if he is going to be there..."

"You told me I wouldn't have to worry about a husband or a boyfriend..."

"Because that is was I though!" she exclaims at the same time she sits up in order to be able to look at him at his eyes so he can see she is being honest "We are divorced, he asked for it, I thought he didn't care, he shouldn't care..."

He interrupts her signaling the marks on her wrist and asking "Did he do this?"

"No, no... Well, yes he did, but it's not what you think it is, he never... He is not that kind of person, we had a fight and..." April grows quiet. She doesn't know what to say as she doesn't know what happened or rather she doesn't want to acknowledge what happened. Jackson is not a violent person, at least she never accounted him as violent if not for a few particular moments when he lost control. However, lately he seems to be furious all the time, in particular towards her, and even if he hasn't been physically violent with her, he has been extremely cruel with his words and those words have hurt her just the same, maybe more. Of course she knows she can be equally cruel, but most of the times it's her answer to his attacks

"Never mind" she dismisses the conversation with a wild gesture of her hand at the same time that she lays on his chest with her hands under her chin, and looks directly at his eyes

"I don't want to talk about it and I have to go" she whispers before kissing him softly. Then she gets out of the bed with the sheet wrapped around her body she goes to the bathroom to take a shower. Even if she does not have clean clothes with her, she really needs to wash the ashes and the sex smell away.

Alone in the bathroom, without his ginormous presence, she can think clearly again. The euphoria is forgotten now and she only feels the guilt. Suddenly it's not about sex anymore, it's something else that is changing her. She can feel it. This is not her, she doesn't have sex, she doesn't betray her husband, and Jackson is her husband, even if it's only because she believes that a marriage blessed by God can't be broken, not really. Furthermore, April feels that her marriage is still true because she is very much in love with Jackson, that hasn't changed, not even with a lover in the next door room. The problem is that she can't say that her feelings for James are insignificants because that would be a lie. There is something undefinable between them that has her acting as a different person. She is not like this, she doesn't go to bars and pick up men, even if it's always the same man. She doesn't fuck against the wall with her panties rolled down her ankles and her skirt rolled up her waist. She doesn't play with knives and blood as a vulgar dominatrix, she doesn't wear black leather and pink lace and she doesn't climaxes because she is bitten. She just doesn't do those things. And still, she can't find in her to regret it. She is obsessed, she dreams and daydreams about him and the things they do, she makes plans and she wants to yell from the roof the things she is doing. She feels neither guilty nor ashamed. She just feels lust and desire and a bunch of things she doesn't want to define.

The water is warm and soft, it's just perfect and she enjoys the rare moment to her. She can't remember the last time she was this carefree. She knows the day ahead from her is going to be long, tough and lonely. Jackson will follow her around all the hospital just to ask for forgiveness, the problem is she isn't ready to forgive him yet, she won't take too long though, she never does because she is always weak when it comes to Jackson.

She takes her time in the shower; she is covered with so much ash that her skin doesn't look human at all. She scrubs herself until her skin is pale and pink as always.

She hates she has to put on her used panties again, they are used and dirty, and yet a part of her founds it hot. She should feel ashamed for it, hell, she would have felt ashamed just a month ago, but he has changed her in ways that she thought were impossible

Still in bed, naked and dirty, he is waiting for her with a knowing smile and a spark in his eyes. April is sure he knows she is wearing the same panties, after all he saw her picking them up. She doesn't want to think about the way he just rolled them down to fuck her, because if she does she won't leave the room.

"I have to go" she whispers with a husky voice she can't recognize as hers. He doesn't say anything, he just sits up and craves towards her, with his eyes focused on her, a devilish smile and his member in his hands

"Are you sure?" he asks her before starting to suck her nipples. The fact that she is wearing her dress it's a plus, the fabric rubs her skin in a sensual way. His hands start to caress her inside tights, drawing a random near her center. It's a torture and it's exquisite and maddening. If he doesn't stop she just will surrender to him and leave him have his wicked way with her. But she has a daughter, a job, a life, responsibility. She needs him to stop

"Oh god… Please" she moans

"Please what?" he asks with smile in his voice. She doesn't say anything for a second or for an eternity, she can't tell how much time they have been like that. She just knows that the day is dawning and she needs to pick up Harriet in an hour

"I have to go. If you don't stop I won't be…" he silences her with a passionate kiss that has her melting into his embrace. One of his hands founds his sex under her panty and starts rubbing her clit with one finger while he fingers her with the other fingers. She closes her eyes and focus on all the sensations. She can hear his grunts, the sound of skin against skin and she knows he is jerking off at the same time he is exploring her folds. She shouts when she feels the cold air of his breath on his clit, and just one second after that she feel the tip of his tongue on it. He uses his tongue to fuck her while his fingers continue with his exploration. She doesn't last too long, she is yelling his name embarrassingly fast. At least he shouts his pleasure at the same time than she. And then he kisses her. She can taste herself in his mouth and it's something that she always loves to do

"Now you can go"

"You make me crazy, you know that?" she whines with a sigh "I have a daughter" she repeats to remind herself of her world outside the room

"It's still soon. The day hasn't dawned yet"

"I am a doctor, this is late in my book"

He releases her reluctantly

"Very well then, my apologies" she just smiles and kisses him again before stepping back, then she starts picking up the few things she has in the room, her telephone with 15 lose calls from Jackson and one text message from him, her coat and her purse

"Goodbye then" she says suddenly shy, there are a lot of things she wants to tell him, like thank you, I wish I could stay, you drive me crazy, but she only says "I have to go"

"One moment please" he tells her before getting off the bed to pick up his pants. He rummages the pocket until he finally finds what he was searching "here, so from now and on if you want to see me you just have to call to this number" he says at the same time he gives her a card with his phone number and his address

"Oh, ok, thank you" she answers confused and uncomfortable, although she feel hopeful too, for the first time in a long time she feels hope and she doesn't know what to do with that feeling. She wants to ask him about the bars, how he could always find her, how he always knew when she was looking for him. The thing is she doesn't want to know, rather, she is afraid of the possible answers. She suspects that answer would be as mysterious and inexplicable as everything about him "I will call you" she whispers against his lips

"I know" he says. It's not a joke, it's not a question. It's a statement of fact

And then he leaves her go with a kiss and a see you soon


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi people. I hope you all are having good holidays. Here is the new chapter, this time written from Jackson POV, but I don't know how April stole the scene with some trues, rather, some things I believe are true, hopefully they will make you think. Let me know what you think, as always your opinion are pretty appreciated**

 **Jackson poem quote is an excerpt from Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda. It's one of my favorite poems, and I think it's a perfect for April and Jackson**

* * *

After she left the house, Jackson sat down on the sofa and just stayed there, unable to avert his gaze from the black flat screen that reflects perfectly the current state of his life, a big whole of blackness and nothingness. The house is incredibly silent without April and Harriet, and Jackson thinks he should get used to it because after the stunt he just pulled, April is going to move out and take Harriet with her. It's with these morose thoughts that Jackson felt asleep on the uncomfortable, luxurious sofa.

He didn't have to go to the hospital until noon, and yet he was late as he slept in. When he woke up he was too worried about April, Harriet, his family and his life, everything was messed up, and he was so ashamed of himself that he didn't know what to do next. Then he saw Arizona's message and everything got a little bit worse. Of course he knew April would pick Harriet, it's how they work, the one who got to expend little time with Harriet because their work got in the way would get to expend the most time with her on the next day, and if they left Harriet in someone else house, then the first one who has to go to work has to pick her. Therefore Jackson shouldn't feel guilty, but he does nonetheless because for a minute there he forgot about his daughter. The true is that he is determined to feel guilty about anything and everything as he knows that what he did is unforgivable and he deserves any punishment that April decides to infringe upon him.

Hours later, after a dog day, with never endings fights against his mother and April, he only could ask himself _"what the hell is happening to me?"_ , because lately everything about April and his mother set him up and make him blow up. The simple fact of seeing April walking around the hospital, cheerful and carefree, makes his blood boil in a way that he can barely control. Sometimes he thinks that nobody understands how he feels, rather nobody tries to understand him.

They were supposed to fight together, April and him. _"Me and you"_ was always their motto although they hardly ever lived up to it. So, they were supposed to fight together against Minnick and Bailey and anything and everything. And because of that, it was a personal offense for Jackson that she took Meredith's job, and by extension Bailey and Minnick side against him. It may sound stupid, but it's too similar to April going to Jordan and abandoning him with his pain and his grief. When she took the job, Jackson felt like if she abandoned him all over again, so all the resentment and the fury that he has been bottling up for years came out to the surface in the worst imaginable way.

The truth is that he never forgave her for Jordan. And it's also true that he is still very much in love with her. It's confusing, and it hurts, and sometimes Jackson feels like everything about April hurts and burns.

Now, once again she keeps going on while he sits alone in his office thinking about her in another man's arms. It makes him go crazy as for a very long time she was only his. The alfa in him wants to seek that guy and fight a duel to show his superiority, he wants to punch him until his fists are a bloody mess and the guy's face is unrecognizable and ugly.

Up to a few weeks ago he was the only man who had feed her lust. She needed that from him, maybe the only thing she has ever needed from him. And it's ironic because he always has needed April to need him, but it has been a long time since she did so.

She went to Jordan and started to heal by her own. Meanwhile Jackson stayed in a lonely house, with an useless nursery and one empty side of the bed. She came back as if nothing had happened, as if she didn't leave him behind in more than one sense. She moved on with her grief and he didn't.

He failed as a father, he failed as a husband, he failed as a friend, he failed as a son and now he has to add lover to the list of things he wasn't good enough.

When he sees her again, April is at the nurse station writing some notes, she has to be the only one who still uses paper and pencils from time to time, reminiscence of when she used to write everything in her red notebook. He tries to ignore the way she jumps when he says her name, and he tells himself it could be caused by the surprise, she probably wasn't expecting someone calling her name. However, he can't ignore what happened after that. It breaks his heart how she is startled by his touch, she acts as if that touch burned her. He was only trying to return the pencil and she reacted as if he was a monster trying to wound her. It's heartbreaking that she seems to be terrified by him, the problem is that it's also annoying and unfair, at least that is his opinion. She should know that he isn't going to hurt her, and the more he thinks about it the angrier he becomes. He made a mistake, he knows that, but he stopped himself before he crossed the line and she is hardly an innocent victim. She threw a forced smile at him and whispered

"I have to go... I have... Something... With a patient" she starts to walk away, just as he expected her to do. But Jackson is determined to have a conversation with her and he would use any means at his hand to get it.

"I have to speak with you" April opens her mouth, probably decided to give him some excuse in order to avoid the confrontation "we can speak now in the break room or we can arrange a meeting in my office, whatever you want, but we are talking today"

She just wide her eyes and looks around her. He knows she is not going to deny it in front of the nurses, who are looking at them with poorly concealed undisguised curiosity. She hates being the focus of attention and he has just made her that, so, reluctantly, she nods and he leads the way to the break room

"You are afraid of me" is the first thing that Jackson tells her, because it's killing him her fear and her distrust. Unsurprisingly, she denies it with her head "April, you can't ever bear me touching you"

"That is not true!" she denies, so to proof his point he tries to take her hand, which makes her jump backwards

"You see" he whispers with a broken heart

"Sorry, I'm sorry, I can't avoid it" she locks her gaze with the floor, he doesn't remember to have never seen her so small, with her hunched shoulders, trembling like a leaf

"You have to know that you can trust me, that I would never hurt you" even though she nods, he can see something in her eyes that gives him pause and makes him doubt her word "no, you don't know it" he whisper incredulous at the same time he falls on a chair

"No! No, Jackson. I know you would never do that" she is so adamant and he wants to believe her, but Jackson knows he can't do that, he knows her too well, and he knows when she is lying, when she is being too kind because she is a Kepner after all and her mother raised well. He knows how she manipulative she can be, how she can bend her words to avoid telling a hurtful true, until she can't control herself anymore and blow out

"That? But you think I could do something?"

April opens and closes her mouth whilst she plays nervously with her hands and Jackson knows she doesn't know what to say, not because she doesn't know the answer, it's because she doesn't want to give that answer

"Out with it April..."

"Jackson, I don't..."

"Say it April, just say it!" He yells, suddenly furious, and that is enough to ignite her fire and the yelling match starts

"Don't yell at me! How is that I'm the one giving explanations and asking for forgiveness?"

"Because you think that I could do something to you! You know me April, you are my best friend so you know me better than anyone in the entire world. You should know that I would never do something like that..."

"I know that!"

"You don't..."

"Yes I do know you would never hit me or any woman for that matter... But that is not what you said... You said that I can trust you and that you would never hurt me..."

"So... What? You don't trust me?" April shakes her head, looks at the ceiling, and finally at his eyes so he can see she is being honest

"I'm afraid of you, I've been afraid of you for a long time, but not for the reasons you think..." It's a shock to his system, a big surprise that feels like a stab in his heart. He feels all the fight leaving his body, and it only remains sadness and deep necessity for answers

"Then why?" he asks

"I... After you brook up with me the first time and then after we got married... I just... I felt" she stays quiet and he waits patiently, until the time starts to goes by an eternity and the silence become excruciating.

"What? What did you feel?"

She glues her eyes to the floor for a long moment, and he hates that, he needs to look at her eyes and see the truth, because this, her words, can't be true. After a while she lifts her head and looks at his eyes. He can only see sadness and determination, and that is how he knows she is telling the true

"I feel like... I could lose you if I'm not the person you want me to be..."

"What?" She makes a pause and seems to think about it, Jackson supposes she is searching the perfect words, probably the perfect metaphor, to explain some painful true

"I was afraid of telling you that I was pregnant" she says firmly. To him it's a big surprise and way too confusing as he can't guess what is her goal with this conversation. A part of him knows it's highly unlikely that she knows what she wants to achieve with this conversation

"That was because we had a fight" he answers unsure

"No, no, no, it's the other way around, we had a fight because I was nervous about telling you that I was pregnant... And the second time around..."

"You feared that I was going to tell you that you had to have an abortion" he finally guessed

"And I wasn't wrong, was I?"

"Yes! I already apologized for that one, I wasn't thinking, I was afraid..."

"Whatever Jackson, I know that, I don't want to talk about the things you do, I'm talking about the fact that I'm afraid of you!" That wounds him deeply, and it's nothing new, although it also makes him recover the want to fight. She yelled, so he yells louder, because that is what they do lately.

"Oh... That... that is great! Well. Seeing as we are being honest, I'm afraid of you as well" he yells at the same time he gets up from the chair and walks towards April. This time she doesn't backpedal, she stays where she is, with a challenging spark in her eyes and a the chin up. Jackson would have felt relieved if he has stopped for a moment to think about her improvement instead of keep going with the discussion

"What!" she exclaims indignant, offended and surprised. He ignores all of those things and keeps talking, though this time he does so with an even voice as he knows very well that his calmed demeanor annoys her more than his loudest yell

"I'm terrified April, because I fear that at any moment you are going to get bored and you are going to run away to a new part of the world, It was awful before, it'd even worse now because you would take Harriet with you"

"That is unfair, how can you say that? Do you really think I went to Jordan because I was bored?"

"Ok, no, you went to Jordan because you were dying inside and you needed to heal, although p you could have done that here with me, but whatever"

"No, I couldn't, I'm sorry but I couldn't, I needed to go away, I was suffocating here..."

"And that is the thing April, every time something terrible happens to you, you run... To Ohio, to Jordan..." He starts to count with her fingers, and he ends widening wildly his arms "Who knows where you will be going the next time"

"Do you think we would be happier if I stayed here with you? Do you think that we would be together, you and me with Harriet? A happy family?"

He wonders what kind of question is that, the answer is pretty obvious to him, if she hadn't gone to Jordan they would be still together

"Of course I do"

"You are wrong Jackson, we wouldn't. I wouldn't have healed, I would be a shadow of myself, who could barely endure to be close to a baby, and I would have kept having bad dreams and nightmares about Samuel birth... And what do you think would have happened if I have gotten pregnant? Do you really think I could be a good mother to Harriet if I were still traumatized about Samuel, if I weren't ready to have a baby?"

"You don't know that..."

"Yes I do" she interrupts impatiently with tears in her eyes "I do know that I needed to go away in order to heal because that is who I am. Because, you know what? Yes, you are right, when things get a little bit tough I want to pack up and move to a new place ... So what? From time to time I need to go away, but you have never tried to understand me, instead of giving me an ultimatum, you could have asked me and we could have talked and maybe we could have gone to some place together, we both could have had what both us needed, I needed a change of everything and according to you, you needed me. The thing is, that I don't believe you really needed me, well, yes, you did, but I wasn't the only thing you needed, I wasn't even the thing that you needed the most, you needed your job, you needed the rest of your family that is not me and you needed your friends… and then you needed me... I guess that is the difference between you and me, I always come back for you Jackson, but you can't never go anywhere for me"

And with that said, April spins in her heels and leaves the room, leaving Jackson to swallow a bitter pill. So far, he has always thought he never did anything wrong in regards to Jordan, she left him behind, she abandoned him when he needed her the most, and for him that was the only conclusion to be made. And suddenly he sees that his truth isn't the only one. The worst thing it's that April seems to believe that it proofs his lack of love, that he wouldn't sacrifice Seattle and his friends for her. He would do all those things for her and more, however, after April words, Jackson can understand why she would think he doesn't love her. He has always had a hard time showing his feelings, and for some inexplicable reason it's even harder when it comes down to April. He could have gone somewhere with her, but for some reason, he couldn't. Just as she needed to go, he needed to stay. And where that leaves them?

Jackson remembers the lines of a poem that he heard recited by someone in somewhere in South America.

 ** _How terrible and brief was my desire of you!_**

 ** _How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid_**

Those words describe perfectly how his love for April is, except that his love isn't brief, it feels like eternal. He had tried and will try everything to forget her, but he just can't. So here he is, stuck with a terrible, difficult, drunken, tensed, avid love, and the thing is that sometimes he doesn't want to change it, because his love for April is all those things and it's also eternal, exhilarating, funny and only theirs.


End file.
